self

A lot of shit has piled up on me; both tragic, and unforgivable.

I haven't really been proactive, either.
To be honest, it's been quite the opposite.
All I've been doing is blaming, sulking, and falling back on the comforts of my worst habits.

At the top of the week, I found myself in a dark spot.
Gloomy. Torn. I needed something to punch.

I don't want to revisit my thoughts.
But in brief, I opened up every part of me to Wendy.

Fuck _____.
I'm finished being "proper" to every girl I'm infatuated with.
I've been doing shit wrong this whole time, I guess.
(Thank you for showing me that.)

(Oh, and your "solution" to vulnrability and failed relationships, and the defense mechanism that you allow to control your life's experiences... is fucking rediculous.)

(Srry, I still have a little resentment at the bottom of my stomach. Lol. Give it a couple more weeks.)

But beyond this thought, I had a damn interesting weekend in Tampa.
I can't easily state whether I had a good or bad time.

It was just interesting. Lol.

But was it necessary?
-Well last week, I was 98% sure that it was going to be a necessary "vacation". But as I type this right now... I think I could have been better off, not involving myself. There's a couple contributing variables. But I just find myself, succumbing to one.

I missed the face of a dismissive girl, and I just got caught up in the dramatizations of my imagination.

We all have weaknesses.

(Turning the page.)

For the next couple months, I'm involving myself in an experiment.
I need to hide.
I have to experience more of my life, independently.

And while I only believe in one thing; Love.
I can't keep reliving the torment of failed situations.
My tolerance in trust is at a terrible low.
And my dependence in the consistencies of something realistically inconsistent (i.e. relationships), needs to fucking stop.

I'm also steering myself away from the toxins of my lifestyle.
I love the nightlife.
I love the escapism.
I love the control.
But something needs to fucking change.
And in any successful experiment, no variable can ever be ruled out.

I just want to be (consistently) happy.
And if no one can give me this ideal of happiness...


I'll do it myself.
Fuck everything else...



Chapter 11: self-exploration.
(And i just realized I can sum up 20 years on a post-it. Ha)


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